The English

Originally published on 1001 Words and Counting in February 2009

Kolik jazyků znáš, tolikrát jsi člověkem.
You live a new life for every new language you speak.
If you know only one language, you live only once.
(Czech proverb)

For many people around the world, their quest to learn English is one of the main things that spurs them on in life. Be it to get a better job, to be able to communicate when abroad, to be able to read more sites on the internet or just to pass the time, English is without doubt a worldwide phenomenon.

Yet foreigners’ passion for English is far from reflected in the fat, lazy, drunken mouths of the English themselves. Not only are English people who can speak a foreign language in the minority, but the number of English people who can speak their own language properly is also declining.

First and foremost is definitely spelling, or as most English people would write “definately” spelling. In reality, the situation is much worse than the odd mistake with a vowel here and there. Just take a look at this 11-year old’s exam answer, published in The Times newspaper:
“If he wasent doing enthing els heel help his uncle Herry at the funfair during the day. And had stoody at nigh on other thing he did was invent new rides.”

Furthermore this problem is not just confined to youngsters. Ken Smith, senior lecturer at Buckinghamshire New University, is confronted by so many spelling mistakes that he thinks we should “simply give everyone a break and accept these variant spellings”.

Yet it’s this kind of defeatist attitude that leaves England (and Britain as a whole) lagging behind the rest of Europe in terms of uptake of foreign languages. As George Orwell wrote in his landmark essay “Politics and the English Language”:

“An effect can become a cause, reinforcing the original cause and producing the same effect in an intensified form, and so on indefinitely. A man may take to drink because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks.”

Shockingly, Britain is the only place in Europe where it is not compulsory to study a foreign language in school. And while in most countries students learn foreign languages from the age of seven to 18, in Britain they only study from 11 to 16, if at all.

The European Commission sees foreign language skills as being “among the key competences for lifelong learning”, and its Barcelona objective has set out the aim of enabling European citizens to communicate in two languages in addition to their mother tongue.

While the Czech Republic and Italy have introduced reforms and now comply with this goal, Britain shows no sign of following suit. Recent figures from Eurydice, the information network on education in Europe, show that British students spend by far the least amount of time spent on learning foreign languages in Europe. The network’s “Key Data on Teaching Languages at school in Europe” shows that Britain is also one of the few places where figures haven’t increased on 1994 levels.

In Portugal, where compulsory language learning begins in the first or second year of primary education, British music and subtitled British TV abound. This kind of exposure breeds an enthusiasm for English that the English themselves are incapable of developing, at least en masse, for another language or culture.

Foreign language films and music are virtual non-entities on British TV and radio, where the only dishes on the menu are British or American. The BBC do still air some foreign films and music, but these are on non-mainstream TV channels and radio stations at times when most people are in bed.

This lack of access to foreign languages only augments the problem the British have with learning foreign tongues. As a recent EU report on multilingualism stated: “The media can…be a great source of informal language learning through ‘edutainment’ and subtitled films.”

But why should the English care about learning foreign languages? 90% of all European pupils study English at some point, so if everyone else can speak English, why not let them?

To be brazenly practical, according to a report published by the Commission of the European Communities earlier this year a shortage of foreign language skills can drastically affect a country’s economy:
“11% of exporting EU SMEs [small and medium enterprises] may be losing business because of language barriers. Although English has a leading role as the business language of the world, it is other languages that will provide EU companies with a competitive edge and allow them to conquer new markets.”

So England is digging itself further into the economic hole that it current finds itself in, with the Euro and the Pound rapidly approaching an equal value.

To be less practical, I have only to refer to the proverb at the start of this article.

“If you know only one language, you live only once.”

Until three years ago I spoke only English and a smattering of French. Since then I have lived in Poland, Russia and now Portugal and learnt to speak the languages of these countries to varying degrees.

As a result I have discovered that the ability to speak another language, even if cack-handedly, can open doors both literal and mental. Languages have made me new friends, taken me to places I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to get to (most memorably the site of a former Gulag) and allowed me to read things in other languages and, to some extent, experience that culture’s way of thinking.

Yet this is not just a personal experience, as there exists a phenomenon known as “frame shifting”, according to which people are said to switch between different ways of interpreting events and feelings according to the language it is spoken in. New Scientist magazine recently reported on a US study of bilingual Hispanic women which found that women who were actively involved in both English and Spanish speaking cultures interpreted the same TV advertisements differently, depending on whether they were shown in English or Spanish.

Joanna Moszczynska, a University of Warsaw student currently studying in Lisbon as part of the ERASMUS programme, speaks five languages and agrees with the theory of frame shifting: “Some languages are richer in expressing certain feelings, others have more words to describe certain objects or phenomena. Thus we can develop to a certain point a different personality. Languages like Portuguese, Spanish or Italian are very melodic and vivid, and foreigners who learn those languages often copy the native speakers in their behaviour and modes of expression.”

Nelson Mandela expressed another aspect of frame-shifting when he said: “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”

But translator and English teacher Annabel Browne says that knowing another language isn’t enough. According to her it’s essential to have an insight into a country’s culture in order to fully understand its language: “Lots of things are lost in translation. It isn't just what they say it is how they say it and why. Lots of things are cultural and not just words.

“When you speak a foreign language, rather than everything being translated back into your own language, which means making things English or viewing things from an English point of view, you can see directly into their way of thinking through their words and expressions and cultural references.”

A concrete example she gives is that while for English people “jealousy” is a negative word and concept, Italians view it otherwise. For them, being jealous of friends or family is a way of expressing how proud they are of them.

So is the Czech proverb true? If you know only one language do you really only live once?

According to Browne the answer is yes: “When I speak Italian I am much more assertive and aggressive, much more outspoken and blunt. I feel when I speak Italian I don't have to be polite and British.”

So why don’t the English grab this chance of a second life? Well, the good news is that maybe they are slowly realising that they should…with the help of Polish women.

Moszczynka, herself a Pole, says: “Knowledge of foreign languages has exposed me to experiences I may never otherwise have had and has helped me to explore things unavailable in my native language.” It seems that many British men, as is their wont, are taking this to a very literal level, using the Polish language to expose themselves to and explore Polish women!

At least this is something that the organisers of a new Polish language course in Cardiff, Wales found out when they experienced a huge demand for their course from men who wanted to learn the language of their new Polish girlfriends.

Around a million Polish citizens have arrived in the UK since 2004 and maybe they have shed light on something that the British Government should consider before the European Commission carries out its review of multilingualism in member states in 2012. The only way to a fat, lazy, drunken English man’s head is through his pants.

Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments

Originally published on Sport.co.uk on 08/10/09

Frequent geniuses on the pitch, generally renowned idiots off it, suffice to say footballers can still come up with some memorable comments whether they are aware of it or not. Sport.co.uk's Ian Shine runs down the Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments
1. “I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George [Ndah] had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi is hardly known for his incisive play, or his awareness of things such as team mates, opposition defenders or the backs of nets. The above quote perhaps explains why.
God only knows what he thinks when he sees fans wearing replica shirts in the crowd? “They’re in good positions. Maybe I’ll pass to them.”
Or what goes through his mind when a defender dispossesses him? “I should send him a ‘Congratulations’ card?”
Or what he thinks when he bags one of his all too rare goals? “I should have set the video for that, even though it’s not on TV and I don’t have a video player.Welcome to the magical world of Ade Akinbiyi.
2. “I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Footballers are seen by the majority of people as being quite a thick bunch, and Mark Viduka did nothing to counter such generalisations with this comment.
He came out with it while at Leeds, whose 21 losses in the 2003-04 season were enough to see them relegated to the Championship.
If only they’d lost a few more, things could have been so different, hey Mark?
But in fairness to Mark, he’s not the only footballer to have made a mathematical gaff. Ruud Gullit once said: "We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us."
3. “I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.”
Footballers are hardly picking up A-grades in their geography classes to make up for their mathematical Fs.
Ian Rush has given two excuses for the above comment:
It was a joke that Kenny Dalglish made up.
I never said it.
Either way Rush managed only eight goals in 29 games at Juventus and set a precedent for British players having a bad time abroad.
That still didn’t stop one-time Villa player Mark Draper longing for a move abroad though. “I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona,” he said.
4. "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore’s comment showed how grateful he was to then-Leicester boss Martin O’Neill for salvaging his career after a spell of clinical depression.
Collymore had rekindled his footballing reputation by scoring five goals in eleven games for Leicester, but after he got what he didn’t want, apparently a transfer away from Leicester, his career had only 10 more professional games left in it.
His crystal clear comments and analysis of footballing events are now broadcast on talkSPORT.
5. “Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright quit BBC punditry after saying he was forced to become a “comedy jester". If that’s the case Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker can take the blame for the above comment after Beckham’s sending off against Argentina in 1998.
Wright came out with another truth-laden nugget when he was linked with the England manager’s job after Kevin Keegan’s departure: "I've got the passion but no idea of tactics,” he said. “I'd be like a black Kevin Keegan.”
6. “There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.”
The brilliant Gary Lineker, now charged by the BBC to present seemingly all of their sports programmes, whether it be their Sports Personality of the Year, Golf…oh, except that annoying Jake Humphreys gets the Formula One, and the chubby, jovial guy from the One Show gets to do Match of the Day 2.
7. “One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.”
Well Alan Shearer, we sure can’t.We see you on Match of the Day and we saw your work as manager of Newcastle United. Five points in eight games at the Toon your best…or was it?
Still, you love Newcastle, we know that: “I've never wanted to leave,” you once said. “I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.” Are you there now Alan? Doing your best as usual Alan? They’ve got 24 points from 11 games without you Alan.
8. "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Clichés, truisms and idioms have been scientifically proven to compose 86% of the average footballer’s vocabulary.*
The insides of their heads have also been proven to be made up of the components of leftover washing machines.**
Consequently everything gets a bit mixed up and people like Stuart Pearce make comments about carrots and tunnels; people like ex-Spurs man Mitchell Thomas say: “All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed,” and people like Gazza say: “It was a big relief off my shoulder.”
* Possible margin of error of up to 86%** Subject to confirmation.
9. “My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.”
Arguably the most famous footballer and maybe the most famous father in the world, David Beckham has had a few spats with his own father in his time.
Ted Beckham’s book, David Beckham: My Son, not only has an intelligent title, but also tells us of Becks’ parents’ worries that Victoria might ruin young Dave’s football career.
It doesn’t say anything about them leaving Dave to roam the wild, hunt for food and wash his own clothes in a stream for the first seven years of his life though. At least not in the first 50 pages.
10. Reporter to Newcastle's Shola Ameobi: “Do you have a nickname?”Ameobi: “No, not really.Reporter: “So what does Bobby Robson call you?”Ameobi: “Carl Cort.”
Amnesiac tendencies were one of the things that made Sir Bobby Robson such an endearing character.
He was like your granddad, sitting there babbling slightly incoherently, but he was unlike your granddad in that he got England to a World Cup semi-final.
He was like your granddad in that he’d call people by the wrong name, but they’d forgive him because he was an all-round legend.
He was like your granddad in that he’d always remember the name of his favourite grandkid and repeat it endlessly: “What can I say about Peter Shilton? Peter Shilton is Peter Shilton, and he has been Peter Shilton since the year dot.”