What would happen if...

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 16/06/09

Fernando Torres were forced to play in a Stetson hat?

There were a general election every time a new England manager were required?

Mick McCarthy got lost in a hall of mirrors?

With the end of the football season Britain’s alcohol intake is said to drop by 37%.*

This clear-headedness, combined with the extra free time that absence of football creates, means that fat 30-somethings from Rotherham to Rochdale, Coventry to Colchester and Nottingham to Newcastle…well, probably not Newcastle…are able to come up with all sorts of questions about their beloved game.

Questions that, if answered, could change the face of football as we know it.

Questions that, if embodied in a human form and shepherded through the streets of Premiership footballing cities, would make overpaid men piss their designer knickers and tremble reams of bling off their unskilled fingers.

Here are some more of them.

What would happen if…

Tottenham made Tom Huddlestone do two hours of admin work every day?

Potatoes had to be incorporated into every club’s kit?

There were a half-time bull fight?

Fulham were named Champions at the end of every season, regardless of where they finished in the table?

Rory Delap had Go-Go-Gadget arms?

Ball boys were replaced with huge metal spikes?

It were mandatory for every side to field at least one player born via Caesarean section?

Tena Lady became the official sponsor of the Premiership?

Tim Cahill had a picture of David Moyes tattooed on his left ankle?

The old shirt numbering system were recalled, so that players starting a game had to wear numbers one to 11?

Red cards were replaced with greetings card-style disciplinary cards that referees had to fill out and post to players during the match?

Someone towed away Old Trafford and replaced it with a bouncy castle?

Your own questions, or answers to the ones above, are gladly welcomed below.

*Possible margin of error of up to 37%.

London hotel to provide a taste of Heston Blumenthal

Originally published on ttglive.com on 17 January 2011.

The mad scientist of the kitchen, Heston Blumenthal, will provide London with its biggest restaurant opening of the year when “Dinner by Heston Blumenthal” opens at the Mandarin Oriental Hyde Park on January 31.

The three Michelin-starred chef found fame with The Fat Duck in Bray, Berkshire, but says his new restaurant will be something totally different.

“I didn’t want to do another Fat Duck and I am never going to do another Fat Duck. The Duck is such a labour of love,” Blumenthal said.

He described Dinner with Heston as a “refined brasserie”, and said that while he had been working on the restaurant for the last two years, the concept behind it started in 2005, shortly after he turned down the chance to open a Fat Duck in Tokyo.
“The menu at Dinner takes inspiration from historic British recipes, from the 14th century to 1940, but does not replicate them – I think people will be surprised and amazed at what we are doing here.
"Britian has got a culinary heritage, but the 50s and 60s killed our reputation for cooking. What has happened in Britain over the past 20 years in terms of cooking – with people being more experimental with what they eat – has been nothing short of miraculous.

Some dishes that will rear their heads on Dinner’s menu include meat fruit - chicken liver parfait that looks like a mandarin – parsley porridge, pigeon with artichokes, bone marrow with anchovy and pickle, and hay smoked mackerel with lemon salad.

Three unusual ketchups will also feature – mushroom, cucumber and cockle – and the introduction of a tasting menu of about five dishes is planned for March, along with afternoon tea – featuring toast sandwiches – from April.

Scallops with cucumber ketchup and peas

Hay smoked mackerel with lemon salad

A set lunch will cost about £25, while a la carte dining will average £50-£55 a head – although the restaurant is fully booked until mid-March.

Asked how he thought restaurants’ relationships with hotels had changed over time, Blumenthal said he thought the stereotype of “dingy, plush restaurants in stuffy, grand hotels” was a thing of the past.

“David Nicholls [Mandarin Oriental Hotel Group’s director of food and beverage] wants me to reflect my style here, in everything down to the dining room,” Blumenthal said.

“The restaurant is grand in that it has big windows and views over Hyde Park, but it is not stuffy. It hasn’t got a dress code – I don’t understand why any restaurant would have a dress code in this day and age – and there are no tablecloths or carpets. I want it to be noisy.”

The restaurant’s executive chef, Ashley Palmer-Watts – who has worked with Blumenthal at The Fat Duck for the past 11 years – said the restaurant would be “professional, slick but fun – very accessible, hustly bustly, with lots of wood and leather, and with uniforms designed to fit the concept”.

Blumenthal said he had chosen to open a restaurant in London because it was “the most exciting place in the world for eating out – along with New York”.

Looking to the future he predictably said he would have to see if Dinner “goes down ok” before thinking more seriously about opening another restaurant in a hotel.

In terms of the future of food, his answer was slightly less predictable.

“In the next 10 years we’ll see more insects being served in the western world. Lots of people are advocating that we do it to help the food chain, and I don’t see why it couldn’t happen at Dinner. I’d have fried mealworms with a beer.”

Tried & Tested: Exodus iPhone app

Originally published in Travel Trade Gazette on 22 October 2010

To read the article in the digital edition of Travel Trade Gazette, click here.

My Celeb Life in Travel: Matt Allwright

Originally published in Travel Trade Gazette on 29 October 2010 (to view the print version click here and flick to page 68)
The Secret Tourist’s Matt Allwright reveals why there’s nothing quite like Japan, the Lakes, airline meals and home



What's your favourite thing about travelling?
Air travel. I love everything about it and I still find it quite glamorous. I love the terrible meals eaten on the back of somebody else’s seat. It’s tragic, to the point where finally arriving at my destination is a bit of a disappointment.

Because of The Secret Tourist you’re more associated with terrible holidays than fantastic ones. So what’s the worst holiday you’ve ever been on?
My wife got really ill in Portugal and had to go to hospital. We were also there during a train strike and had terrible delays on both flights.

And the best?
You have to go a long way to beat a cottage in the Lake District, so we did – we lived in Japan for three years. On Sadogashima, a small island off the coast of Niigata in Japan – it's awesome. It’s like Cornwall but with sushi and Taiko drummers.

Of the places covered on The Secret Tourist, which one horrified you the most and why?
Do you know, it wasn’t the places that horrified me at all. They all seemed really lovely. What was really disturbing was when, faced with evidence that their resorts were putting guests at risk, the management failed to do anything about it, even when we gave them several weeks’ notice and told them we were coming.

What would you do if you went on holiday somewhere that turned out to be like that?
I would point it out to the management and if it wasn’t possible to fix it, I would demand to be relocated by the tour operator. If that wasn’t possible, I would leave. Life’s too short to catch Legionnaire’s.
What's your favourite destination?
Home. Going away only makes me realise that fact more.
What’s your favourite holiday tipple?
For some reason rose wine from a tumbler never tastes the same when you’re not wearing flip flops.
What sort of things do you like to read on holiday?
Crime fiction. Iain Rankin and George Pelecanos. Stick in an Anthony Beevor history as well, as long as you don’t have to comply with a Ryanair baggage allowance.
Is there anywhere you’ve never been that you’d really love to go?
I wish that I had travelled to Hokkaido in northern Japan while my knees were still good enough to ski there. Tierra Del Fuego in Argentina looks amazing and if you had asked me for a third, stick me on a horse in Montana.