Short-listed for Stork Press Mini Short Story competition

Fiction rather than journalism, but I was recently short-listed for the Stork Press Mini Short Story competition. The full story — for which the theme was "Abstract Christmas" (think Tarantino, rather than Dickens) — is published below.

More blessed to give than to receive                                                                  

I did it because of the John Lewis Christmas advert; that’s what I’m going to tell the court. After I saw that snowman risking life and melting limb to get his snowwoman wrapped up nice and warm in some winter woollies — which he may as well have presented in Trojan horse wrapping paper — I finally understood: Christmas is the perfect time to do it; it’s practically invented for this sort of thing; I mean, look at what wound up happening to Jesus.

So, to my chronically lactose-intolerant teenage daughter, who wears a WWJD bracelet that I wish stood for something illicit, the butter baste on the Turkey and the mashed potatoes are just for you. Jesus would forgive me.

To my son, the 20-year-old adrenaline junkie. I did some research on the internet, which you constantly accuse me of being unable to use properly, and I found a really disreputable firm that arranges bungee jumps. I’ve booked you a 300ft drop. I know you’ll do it topless to show off your abs, but you might want to consider getting charity sponsorship and wearing a T-shirt. Is there a charity for victims of their own egos? I’ll let you look that one up online, if you can break through the firewall I’ve set up.

To my dad, the borderline alcoholic, enjoy this bottle of whiskey and VIP brewery tour. You can drink as much as you want.

To Mark. We used to work together. I know you’ve got no other friends, but I really don’t know why we still meet up once a month for a drink. I’m just writing to let you know that I’ve changed my email address and phone number, and am in all likelihood moving out of my house after Christmas. Further details not enclosed, although I hope you make good use of this knife sharpener.

And to my wife, who said she wanted nothing more than a picture-perfect family Christmas featuring festive jumpers, a perfectly clean front room and plenty of good lighting for the photos she will post on Facebook to make all her equally superficial friends jealous, your first present is inside this shoebox, which is empty apart from the Christmas list you gave me in early September. The little drawings on it are all my own work. Your second present is in the driveway. It’s the next model up from the one the neighbours bought last month, and the brakes have already been cut.

To the judge and jury, I tell you that this Christmas, I truly felt more blessed to give than to receive, and you can never take that away from me.

Click here to see the advert