Who is The Guardian’s Secret Footballer?

Originally published on Talking Sports on 04/04/11

As anyone who has seen any of the three Goal! films will know, attempts to dramatise the football world are, and I hate to generalise, disgustingly hideous flops.

Now you could make the easy mistake of confusing this hammed-up, wooden, predictable, celebrity-ridden piss fest of a trilogy for a tongue-in-cheek, postmodern masterpiece, or you could say: “Hold on a minute. These films are probably shit because real-life football is imbued with enough of a genuine sense of drama to make any staged version of a 94th minute winner seem like a poor imitation of the real thing.”

And you’d be right to do so.

But football doesn’t just have drama on the pitch. It has air rifles at training grounds, people shagging each other’s girlfriends, rivals saying nasty things about one another and the farcical spectacle of men getting dressed up in glorified PE kits.

It’s like Eastenders stuffed into the mouth of Lock, Stock and shat into the toilet bowl of Carry On.

What makes Eastenders so great, apparently, is its history of baddies, and everyone’s favourite moment is when a new baddy appears. But there’s only one thing that can top a new baddy, and that is a baddy with a secret identity.

As Guardian readers will know, football has just acquired its own mystery baddy in the shape of The Secret Footballer (TSF), a Saturday columnist who “lifts the lid on the world of football”.

Conjecture about who he might be is, well, I won’t say flooding online forums, invading pub airspace and sending footballers into paroxysms of terror – I recently met John Salako, not exactly the dumbest ex-footballer out there, and he’d never even heard of the column – but it has got a certain group of people feeling quite curious.

So, I’ve combed through TSF’s 12 columns, picked out any hints as to his identity, and tried to figure out who the fucker is.

Here are my findings:

He is a Premiership player, who grew up on a council estate. He has played for at least two Premiership clubs, has an agent, and says he has played for “great managers” – one of whom he played under for “a long time” – and “one or two where I would happily have faked my own death if it meant not working with them a minute longer”.

He has also said: “Another manager I played for was more proactive. He felt he had to step in when he became concerned about the card school on the back of the coach getting out of hand.”

He knows a fair bit about Twitter, and was once “fined for going out to a pub with a couple of friends while injured”.

He is “a more senior member of the squad”, he seems to refer to Tottenham quite a lot, says he will need hip and knee replacements when he retires, and has been in contract negotiations where “the Bosman ruling hung over proceedings”.

He has a lifelong Scandinavian friend in football, played with “a group of French players… at one club who were not interested in communicating with anybody else”, and has a wife and, probably, kids.

Astonishingly, he also once won a free-kick at Old Trafford. This, plus other comments, means I am assuming he is an outfield player.

Who could it be?

I’m automatically discounting Manchester United players, because they are likely to be too high profile to do something like this. In addition, most of their British players haven’t been at more than one club – bar Rio Ferdinand, who ticks a lot of the boxes (married; Twitter user; played for great managers; been at a few clubs; probably has won a few free kicks at Old Trafford) and Michael Owen, as he has nothing else to do. By the same token I am ruling out Chelsea (Lampard and Cole are unmarried; John Terry is a one-club man) and Arsenal players.

We can also dismiss many newly-promoted teams, as most of their players haven’t got much Premiership experience or played for more than one Premiership team. So, count out Wigan, Blackpool (James Beattie is their only viable option, but he’s a posh lad, and in all likelihood didn’t grow up on a council estate), Wolves, Blackburn (David Dunn is the only option there, but he hasn’t played under any great managers), Stoke and West Brom (only Nicky Shorey seems to fit the bill, but he hasn’t played that much in the Premiership, and only for one arguably kind-of-great manager, Martin O’Neill). In addition, no one at Everton fits the bill.

So that leaves us with quite a small group of players that it could be:

Manchester City – Joleon Lescott, James Milner, Gareth Barry
Tottenham Hotspur – Jonathan Woodgate, Jermaine Jenas, Peter Crouch (not married), Jermain Defoe (not married)
Liverpool – Joe Cole
Bolton – Zat Knight, Kevin Davies
Newcastle – Sol Campbell, Joey Barton, Alan Smith, Kevin Nolan
Fulham – Steve Sidwell, Danny Murphy, Damien Duff, Jonathan Greening, Andy Johnson, Bobby Zamora
Sunderland – Titus Bramble, Anton Ferdinand, Kieran Richardson
Aston Villa – Luke Young, Stephen Warnock, Richard Dunne, Emile Heskey, Darren Bent
West Ham – Matthew Upson (not married), Wayne Bridge (not married), Scott Parker, Robbie Keane
Birmingham – Bowyer, Kevin Phillips, James McFadden (not married)

TSF said in his April 9 column that “My wife told me that last week… I came in for a particularly vicious barrage after miscontrolling a pass”.

Jonathan Woodgate, Jonathan Greening and Emile Heskey didn’t play on April 2/3 weekend. Zat Knight, Stephen Warnock, Titus Bramble, Sol Campbell, Alan Smith, James Milner, Gareth Barry and Kieran Richardson also didn’t play, so that leaves us with:

Manchester United – Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen
Manchester City – Joleon Lescott,
Tottenham Hotspur – Jermaine Jenas
Liverpool – Joe Cole
Bolton – Kevin Davies
Newcastle –Joey Barton, Kevin Nolan
Fulham – Steve Sidwell, Danny Murphy, Damien Duff, Andy Johnson, Bobby Zamora
Sunderland –Anton Ferdinand
Aston Villa – Luke Young, Richard Dunne, Darren Bent
West Ham –Scott Parker, Robbie Keane
Birmingham – Lee Bowyer, Kevin Phillips

If we’re after someone who has played with a bunch of Frenchies, is big pals with a Scandinavian and has played under “great managers”, one for “a long time”, I’d say Lescott, Jenas, Barton and Anton Ferdinand are out. For my money, that also rules out Darren Bent and Damien Duff, and probably Luke Young and Richard Dunne. This leaves:

Manchester United – Rio Ferdinand, Michael Owen
Liverpool – Joe Cole
Bolton – Kevin Davies
Newcastle –Kevin Nolan
Fulham – Steve Sidwell, Danny Murphy, Andy Johnson, Bobby Zamora
West Ham –Scott Parker, Robbie Keane
Birmingham – Lee Bowyer, Kevin Phillips

In all likelihood we could also get rid of Bowyer and Phillips.

Another clue is that, on Twitter, @TSFGuardian follows Michael Owen; Rio Ferdinand; Chris Kamara; Robbie Savage; Radiohead; Oasis and Biffy Clyro.
For those reasons, I’d knock off Rio and Owen.

Most people in web forums seem to think it is Kevin Davies, who is very active on Twitter and apparently mates with The Guardian’s Barry Glendenning

But from what’s left, I’d go for Murphy. He’s been around a few clubs, arguably played for some great managers (Hodgson, Dario Gradi) and some clowns (Houllier), was around for the tail end of Liverpool’s Spice Boy period (fits with the card school and the Owen Twitter follow). He also played with a few French players at Liverpool, and a few Scandinavians.

It’s also fair to say that, even though the column must be quite liberally edited, TSF must be reasonably intelligent, which rules out Joe Cole, Andy Johnson and Bobby Zamora for my money.

So, who do you think it is?

Sporting Heroes – Roger Milla

Originally published on Talking Sports on 05/06/11
Nine years to the day after two planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the world was changed forever, I did something that would rock the foundations of many people’s worlds to a similar extent – I gave up watching football.

That last bit might be a gross exaggeration, but this kind of hyperbole is typical of the elevated status that football has come to occupy in the 21st century – just pick up any tabloid today and try not to laugh while reading the overly-dramatic back-page stories about, well, nothing really – and is the main reason why, in September 2010, I decided I could not be arsed with it anymore.

I lasted a few months and then eventually got sucked back in – partially because it made it easier to talk to hairdressers and boring men at work functions – but it got me wondering what had ever attracted me to football in the first place.

Playing football every day in the playground as a kid probably had a part in it, plus the fact that most of my mates were football fans, but then I’ve never been one to be swung by public opinion (I am happy to say that I have never read a Dan Brown book and didn’t watch a single second of the latest series of MasterChef).

So like a veteran fisherman I grab hold of my memory-fishing rod and toss it deep into the recesses of my hippocampus. As I feel the tug of something bulky and fairly old, I rip it through the rest of my mushy brain (made mushy by drinking too much beer while watching football in pubs, I might add) – past this superb own goal by Forest Green’s Wayne Hatswell

this ridiculous Saudi Arabia goal in the 1994 World Cup

and other cherished football memories – and then find a dancing pensioner (well, almost) sticking out the top of my skull.

Yes, Roger Milla. He must be the reason I got taken in by football.

Italia ’90 was my first real football memory. It came before the obese publicity/cash machine that is the Premier League and, in my head at least, embodies the pure reckless joy that football has the ability to foster but is now so utterly denuded of.

If anyone personified that pure reckless joy it was Roger Milla. Despite his being 38, I, like so many others, felt drawn to him because he played football like it was played in the playground. He didn’t seem self-conscious, or particularly technically able, he looked scruffy and he took delight in everything he did on the pitch, as became most evident when he scored and went to dance around the corner flag – an act that may well provoke a booking for time wasting in today’s Premier League.

I won’t bore you with a chronological walk through his Italia ’90 – you can relive his best bits on YouTube – but will say that he had me in hysterics when he robbed Rene Higuita, Colombia’s showboating keeper, of the ball about 40 yards out and went on to slot into an open net.

Higuita was a bit of a laugh too, and one of the tournament’s highlights, but in many ways he embodied the arrogance of the most repugnant footballers (and most of today’s millionaire players) – and when Milla robbed him of the ball, it was like reckless playground football was taking the game back from pompous corporatism and saying: “Oi, football is supposed to be a laugh, a bit of fun – keep it that way.”

Shame the corporates didn’t listen.

What would happen if...

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 16/06/09

Fernando Torres were forced to play in a Stetson hat?

There were a general election every time a new England manager were required?

Mick McCarthy got lost in a hall of mirrors?

With the end of the football season Britain’s alcohol intake is said to drop by 37%.*

This clear-headedness, combined with the extra free time that absence of football creates, means that fat 30-somethings from Rotherham to Rochdale, Coventry to Colchester and Nottingham to Newcastle…well, probably not Newcastle…are able to come up with all sorts of questions about their beloved game.

Questions that, if answered, could change the face of football as we know it.

Questions that, if embodied in a human form and shepherded through the streets of Premiership footballing cities, would make overpaid men piss their designer knickers and tremble reams of bling off their unskilled fingers.

Here are some more of them.

What would happen if…

Tottenham made Tom Huddlestone do two hours of admin work every day?

Potatoes had to be incorporated into every club’s kit?

There were a half-time bull fight?

Fulham were named Champions at the end of every season, regardless of where they finished in the table?

Rory Delap had Go-Go-Gadget arms?

Ball boys were replaced with huge metal spikes?

It were mandatory for every side to field at least one player born via Caesarean section?

Tena Lady became the official sponsor of the Premiership?

Tim Cahill had a picture of David Moyes tattooed on his left ankle?

The old shirt numbering system were recalled, so that players starting a game had to wear numbers one to 11?

Red cards were replaced with greetings card-style disciplinary cards that referees had to fill out and post to players during the match?

Someone towed away Old Trafford and replaced it with a bouncy castle?

Your own questions, or answers to the ones above, are gladly welcomed below.

*Possible margin of error of up to 37%.

How will the African Nations Cup influence the title race?

Originally published on Sport.co.uk in November 2009

The African Nations Cup comes around every two years, but why?

Is it just to annoy the all-powerful Lord of football that is the FA Premier League, or is it because, like every other continent, Africa deserves its own championships?

Well, yes, it’s the latter, but in between BBC football folk's parroted clichés about the ANC providing a shop window for raw emerging talent, we can also hear the whines and moans of Premiership managers who don’t want their prized possessions taken away for three weeks to compete for the continent’s greatest honour.

Where’s it at this year?

This year’s ANC will take place in Angola from the 10th to 31st of January, with the group stages ending on the 21st.

All the usual big guns are involved – Egypt, Tunisia, Cameroon, Nigeria, Ivory Coast, Ghana and Mali – while a few names are yet to be confirmed as the final qualifying games take place on the 14th of November.

The draw for the ANC will happen in the Angolan capital, Luanda, on the 20th of November. It’s a day that matters a lot for some Premiership managers. They already know that some of their star players will miss two games, but if their players end up in an easy group,they could well be away for four.

Who’ll be going?

Manchester United have precisely no players who will be off to Angola, so Sir Alex will instead by able to concentrate on blaming referees for any misfortunes his team might stumble upon.

Chelsea will be hardest hit, with Michael Essien (Ghana), Didier Drogba (Ivory Coast), Salomon Kalou (Ivory Coast) and John Obi Mikel (Nigeria) all packing their bags.

Arsenal and Manchester City will take the next heaviest blows. The Gunners will be without Emmanuel Eboué (Ivory Coast) and Alexandre Song (Cameroon), while City could lose a couple of former-Gunners.

Kolo Touré (Ivory Coast) is definitely going to Angola, but Emmanuel Adebayor (Togo) might not be. Togo play Gabon on the 14th of November in a game they need to win in order to guarantee qualification, although they could lose and still qualify if Cameroon beat Morocco.

If however Morocco qualify by beating Cameroon and hoping Togo lose, Liverpool’s Nabil El Zhar will be booking his ticket to Angola. If they don’t qualify, Liverpool won’t have any players in Africa come January.

Though they won’t be winning the league come May, Tottenham still have their eyes on the top four. Their intentions may be somewhat affected though by Sébastien Bassong and Benoît Assou-Ekotto jetting out of town to hook up with their pals from Cameroon.

What are they going to miss in the Premier League?

Arguably the biggest Premier League fixture during the ANC is Arsenal vs Manchester United on the 30th of January, although Liverpool vs Tottenham on the 9th is also of some significance.

If Cameroon or Ivory Coast make it to the final Arsenal will be marginally weakened by the absence of Song or Eboué. Arsène Wenger would rather have them both available, and would certainly like to have Song available, but his squad is good enough to live without them both.

Being without Essien would decimate a lot of team’s midfields, but Chelsea have the depth to cope, with Lampard, Ballack, Joe Cole, Deco, Malouda and Zhirkov all able to come in.

Where they’ll be most hurt is up front, with only two recognised strikers - Nicolas Anelka and Daniel Sturridge - available during the ANC.

In 2006 they lost 2-0 to Liverpool while Drogba was away and went on to miss out on the title by six points. No one can say the ANC cost them the league, but it might have played a small part in it.

Drogba’s importance to Chelsea was highlighted on his recent return to the Champions League with two goals against Atletico Madrid. With Chelsea’s transfer ban now suspended by the Court of Arbitration for Sport and this year’s title race looking like a tight one, Ancelloti may therefore want to think about picking up a striker in the January transfer window.

However, he has said he’s happy with his squad: “It's not necessary at the moment to take new players. I know we will lose four in January but if we maintain the players' fitness we can do a good period also without the African players.”

He might be right as they don’t have any massive fixtures to play during the ANC. First up is Hull away, then Sunderland away, before Birmingham at home and a trip to Burnley, who will themselves be weakened by the loss of André Bikey to the Cameroon squad.

Mark Hughes will certainly be hoping Togo blow it against Gabon so that his side don’t have to face Everton away without Adebayor. They also have the hardly tasty prospect of an away day in Stoke to cope with without Touré, which, considering their hardly exemplary away record against mid-table opposition, could easily make the Britannia Stadium the site of something of a upset.

So how will the African Nations Cup affect the title race?

Probably not that much. The only team really hit by it, Chelsea, have a more than adequate squad to manage without the four players they will lose. The absence of Mikel and Kalou is not going to upset anyone, and the only problem could arise with Drogba being away.

City could come a cropper depending on what happens to Togo, while Liverpool and Manchester United are barely affected.

Arsenal might stumble on trips to Aston Villa and Bolton or when Everton visit, but are no more likely to do so than they apparently would be anyway, considering their recent capitulation away at West Ham.

So when you hear the whines and moans of certain Premiership managers, you need not pity them. Instead you should drown them out by tuning into the inevitable sound of kettle drums and Ladysmith Black Mambazo on the BBC’s no doubt trite and parochial ANC coverage.

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Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments

Originally published on Sport.co.uk on 08/10/09

Frequent geniuses on the pitch, generally renowned idiots off it, suffice to say footballers can still come up with some memorable comments whether they are aware of it or not. Sport.co.uk's Ian Shine runs down the Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments
1. “I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George [Ndah] had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi is hardly known for his incisive play, or his awareness of things such as team mates, opposition defenders or the backs of nets. The above quote perhaps explains why.
God only knows what he thinks when he sees fans wearing replica shirts in the crowd? “They’re in good positions. Maybe I’ll pass to them.”
Or what goes through his mind when a defender dispossesses him? “I should send him a ‘Congratulations’ card?”
Or what he thinks when he bags one of his all too rare goals? “I should have set the video for that, even though it’s not on TV and I don’t have a video player.Welcome to the magical world of Ade Akinbiyi.
2. “I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Footballers are seen by the majority of people as being quite a thick bunch, and Mark Viduka did nothing to counter such generalisations with this comment.
He came out with it while at Leeds, whose 21 losses in the 2003-04 season were enough to see them relegated to the Championship.
If only they’d lost a few more, things could have been so different, hey Mark?
But in fairness to Mark, he’s not the only footballer to have made a mathematical gaff. Ruud Gullit once said: "We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us."
3. “I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.”
Footballers are hardly picking up A-grades in their geography classes to make up for their mathematical Fs.
Ian Rush has given two excuses for the above comment:
It was a joke that Kenny Dalglish made up.
I never said it.
Either way Rush managed only eight goals in 29 games at Juventus and set a precedent for British players having a bad time abroad.
That still didn’t stop one-time Villa player Mark Draper longing for a move abroad though. “I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona,” he said.
4. "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore’s comment showed how grateful he was to then-Leicester boss Martin O’Neill for salvaging his career after a spell of clinical depression.
Collymore had rekindled his footballing reputation by scoring five goals in eleven games for Leicester, but after he got what he didn’t want, apparently a transfer away from Leicester, his career had only 10 more professional games left in it.
His crystal clear comments and analysis of footballing events are now broadcast on talkSPORT.
5. “Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright quit BBC punditry after saying he was forced to become a “comedy jester". If that’s the case Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker can take the blame for the above comment after Beckham’s sending off against Argentina in 1998.
Wright came out with another truth-laden nugget when he was linked with the England manager’s job after Kevin Keegan’s departure: "I've got the passion but no idea of tactics,” he said. “I'd be like a black Kevin Keegan.”
6. “There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.”
The brilliant Gary Lineker, now charged by the BBC to present seemingly all of their sports programmes, whether it be their Sports Personality of the Year, Golf…oh, except that annoying Jake Humphreys gets the Formula One, and the chubby, jovial guy from the One Show gets to do Match of the Day 2.
7. “One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.”
Well Alan Shearer, we sure can’t.We see you on Match of the Day and we saw your work as manager of Newcastle United. Five points in eight games at the Toon your best…or was it?
Still, you love Newcastle, we know that: “I've never wanted to leave,” you once said. “I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.” Are you there now Alan? Doing your best as usual Alan? They’ve got 24 points from 11 games without you Alan.
8. "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Clichés, truisms and idioms have been scientifically proven to compose 86% of the average footballer’s vocabulary.*
The insides of their heads have also been proven to be made up of the components of leftover washing machines.**
Consequently everything gets a bit mixed up and people like Stuart Pearce make comments about carrots and tunnels; people like ex-Spurs man Mitchell Thomas say: “All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed,” and people like Gazza say: “It was a big relief off my shoulder.”
* Possible margin of error of up to 86%** Subject to confirmation.
9. “My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.”
Arguably the most famous footballer and maybe the most famous father in the world, David Beckham has had a few spats with his own father in his time.
Ted Beckham’s book, David Beckham: My Son, not only has an intelligent title, but also tells us of Becks’ parents’ worries that Victoria might ruin young Dave’s football career.
It doesn’t say anything about them leaving Dave to roam the wild, hunt for food and wash his own clothes in a stream for the first seven years of his life though. At least not in the first 50 pages.
10. Reporter to Newcastle's Shola Ameobi: “Do you have a nickname?”Ameobi: “No, not really.Reporter: “So what does Bobby Robson call you?”Ameobi: “Carl Cort.”
Amnesiac tendencies were one of the things that made Sir Bobby Robson such an endearing character.
He was like your granddad, sitting there babbling slightly incoherently, but he was unlike your granddad in that he got England to a World Cup semi-final.
He was like your granddad in that he’d call people by the wrong name, but they’d forgive him because he was an all-round legend.
He was like your granddad in that he’d always remember the name of his favourite grandkid and repeat it endlessly: “What can I say about Peter Shilton? Peter Shilton is Peter Shilton, and he has been Peter Shilton since the year dot.”

The worst Premiership managers of all time

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 27/12/08

Iain Dowie

Dowie may be one of the few premiership managers who can claim to have made a genuine contribution to the English language.

His use of “bouncebackability” to describe his Crystal Palace team led to the word’s inclusion in the Collins dictionary in 2005 with the definition: “The ability of a person or team to bounce back, that is, to return to good form after a period of not performing well.”

Unluckily for Dowie his etymological prowess failed to translate into Premiership management prowess as he led Palace to relegation via seven wins in 38 games.

Charlton foolishly let him return to the Premiership in 2006, and even more foolishly gave him more money than they’d ever given any manager in their history.

He promptly pissed £4m of it away on Djimi Traore and went on to be sacked after managing only two wins in 12 Premiership games.

The Addicks went on to appoint the marginally better Alan Pardew, but Dowie had already done enough to propel a solid mid-table team towards the end of their seven-year spell in the top flight.

Steve Wigley

Booted out the door at Southampton after only one win in 14 games, Wigley was just one of Rupert Lowe’s many masterstrokes as Saints chairman.

Wigley was put in temporary charge of the club after Gordon Strachan’s departure in 2004, yet his discomfort in the position became evident so quickly that Paul Sturrock was ushered in to replace him after only two games.

Sturrock went on to last just 13 games before Wigley was pushed back into the hot seat, some say against his will.

He has since been appointed head coach at Bolton by Gary Megson, a move which was against the wills of some of the Bolton faithful, as the ever-brilliant forum on boltonbanter.com revealed:

“I think he's just w**k and his record would prove as much. But then again who the fuck wants to work with Gary Megson other than somebody on the dole?”

Wigley is just one in a long line of coaches who haven’t been able to cut it as managers. And while the likes of Brian Kidd and Sammy Lee stake strong claims to be included in this collection of the Premiership’s worst, there's someone else out there who saves them from such infamy.

Egil Olsen

A man who started his managerial career at a team called Frigg and now finds himself at the reigns of Iraq’s national team is clearly one for wacky choices. His vigil at Wimbledon proved just that, as he put his notorious football philosophy into place to send the Dons crashing out of the Premiership in 2000.

Olsen’s scientific approach to football has made him somewhat obsessed with what players do away from the ball, so much so that he asked his players to be "å være best uten ball", which literally translates as "to be best without the ball".

Unfortunately for him this approach led to the Dons losing eight games in a row and him being sacked.

His final contribution to the Wimbledon cause was a 3-0 mauling by Bradford. The Dons went on to be relegated in 18^th place while Bradford finished three points above them in 17^th.

How to… write a football chant

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 12/02/09

What’s football without a good sing song? Absolutely nothing.

According to the media, footballers live like kings, cashing salary cheques the size of Neville Southall’s gut. But the real kings of the football ground are the terrace overlords who write the anthems that echo off the advertising hoardings like hymns off cathedral walls.

Now why should you sit there like a pauper when you know you’ve got blue blood coursing through your veins? Don’t you deserve to hear the home faithful repeating your every word as they beat each other senseless to touch the hem of your away shirt and scramble around your feet for the flakey manna from your pasty?

Of course you do.

Well, it’s a good job for you that having studied the excellent fanchants.com and attained a BA (Hons) in chanting from The Open University, I am suitably equipped to provide you with a simple guide to writing your own football chant, isn’t it?

1. Include plenty of repetition

The last thing a bunch of pissed up fat guys on a Saturday want to do is use their brains, so make your chant as repetitive as possible. This Derby County chant is almost as close to repetitive perfection as is humanly possible, although in Heaven’s football matches against Hell, they apparently have chants consisting of only two words:

Could be worse,
We could be Leeds,
Could be worse,
We could be Leeds…

Did you know? Repetition has actually been clinically proven to reduce your IQ.

2. A simple rhyme is not only necessary but compulsory

Forget all those Nobel Prize winning poets with their half-rhyme, free verse and even terza rima. What we want is a straight AABB rhyme scheme, or even AAAA, as the Walsall massive demonstrate to deadly effect:

Fight, fight, whoever you may be,
Because we are the boys from the black country.
And we will fight you all, whoever you may be,
Because we are the boys from the black country…

3. Use words that aren’t actually words

If you can’t find a word to rhyme with useless, substitute or wanker, then just invent one. Or, if you’re a Middlesbrough fan and don’t know any words at all, just invent loads of little words and stick them all together. Southgate’s boys always feel inspired when they hear this piece, entitled Pigbag, at three o’clock on a Saturday:

De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der...

4. Tell a story

While every bestseller has a page-turning plot, only about 52.67% of chants have one. If you choose to incorporate one into your chant, make sure it has a sting in the tail and has at least two characters in it that we can empathise with. Both techniques are exhibited in this Manchester United number:

I saw my mate the other day,
He said to me he saw the white Pele,
So I asked, who is he?
He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney,
Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney,
He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney.

5. Harness the power of animosity

There’s no easier way to rile up the terrace monkeys than by playing to their bigoted views. Barnsley do it like this:

Stand up if you hate Wednesday,
Stand up if you hate Wednesday...

Whereas Liverpool do it like this:

F*ck Off Chelsea FC,
You ain't got no history,
Five European Cup's and 18 leagues,
That's what we call history...

6. Or just say something totally random

If you’re too stupid to follow the five piss-easy steps above, then this sixth step is for you, if you’ve figured out how to scroll down this far.

Don’t worry that you’ve got nothing to say because you never went to school and lost most of your brain cells when someone drove a forklift truck over your skull as a practical joke. Just say the first thing that comes into your head. That’s what the Wolves fans do, to the tune of “Always look on the bright side of life” no less:

Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag,
Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag…

I hope that helps with your quest for glory and that it’ll soon be your inane patter that we hear coming through the TV microphones.

What the fans have to say: West Ham United

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 13/10/09

Icelandic owners, the Tevez and Mascherano affair and hooliganism have each blighted West Ham fans’ last few seasons.

The 2009/10 season hasn’t exactly started brilliantly either. The club sit in 19^th with five points from seven games, but 90minutesonline found Graeme Howlett, editor of Knees Up Mother Brown, in fairly optimistic mood.

How happy are you with the season so far?

I’ve seen better. Two wins – against newly-promoted Wolves and League One Millwall (aet) - are all we have to show for the first two months of the season. That is our worst start since 2002/03, the season we were last relegated.

The parallels with 2002/03 are striking: a major lack of investment in the first team squad; a manager coming off the back of a good season (for Zola read Roeder); fans at war with the board. Hopefully the outcome won’t mirror that dreadful year.

What are you expecting from this season?

A battle in the lower half of the table until Christmas, but I’m hoping for a third consecutive top ten finish come May.

What are your greatest fears for this season?

Although our start has been poor, relegation shouldn’t be an issue as long as we can keep the majority of our thinner-than-ever squad fit.

The biggest fear however would be that we go into next season with the creditors of former owner Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, CB Holding, still in control of the club. That way lies only doom.

Is Gianfranco Zola a good enough manager to keep you in the Premiership?

Absolutely. In Zola’s defence most would struggle with the hand he’s been left to play with. Fortunately we have the considerably experienced Steve Clarke ably assisting.

What do you make of the hooliganism at the Carling Cup game against Millwall? Was it inevitable considering the history between the clubs and the fact that they so rarely play each other, having only been in the same league in eight seasons since 1945? Should it have been played behind closed doors?

Nobody comes out of this well, but the Police and the authorities (FA, FL) have to take some responsibility for that night’s problems. It was the Police who insisted on Millwall’s ticket allocation being halved, a decision that led to 500 ticketless Millwall “supporters” being outside the ground.

The Met eventually let them in for nothing simply to get them off the streets. The FA had no objections to this at the time and only feigned concern once the media demanded a response.

For some reason we had less than 400 Police officers on duty that night. The last time the clubs met five or six years ago there were around 1,000 officers on duty, and that was for a Sunday lunchtime rather than a Tuesday evening fixture. You have to wonder why those decisions were made and for whose benefit.

Despite the media outrage there were only 14 arrests made on the night of the game – the very same number as those arrested during the Birmingham-Aston Villa derby a fortnight later, and considerably less than the number arrested at the 2009 Glastonbury music festival earlier this summer.

So it was all blown out of proportion?

Despite all the talk of “hooliganism” and “riots” the only video evidence of disturbances on the night showed a group of West Ham fans being hemmed in by Police outside the Queens pub and a handful of exuberant fans celebrating on the pitch following Junior Stanislas’ 87^th minute equaliser. As far as I know not one single punch was shared between opposing supporters inside the ground.

Yes, there were one or two scuffles with stewards, which were unpleasant to witness, and the fans involved were booed by the majority of supporters at the game.

But on the whole it was blown massively out of proportion. No surprise there really though, with such easy targets as West Ham and Millwall.

I should perhaps point out that I am in no way condoning the actions of anyone involved in violent scenes. However this really needs to be seen for what it was, not for what the media – who, I’m sure are quite happy to take money from those wishing to advertise films such as Green Street and Football Factory – made it out to be.

[Indeed, When Saturday Comes reported in its October 2009 issue that Sky Sports News transmitted an advert for The Firm, a remake of a 1980s film about West Ham hooligans, during their coverage of the events at the West Ham-Millwall game].

Do films that portray West Ham gangs, such as Green Street and Cass, only stoke the fires and egg on suggestible fans, or do they serve a purpose as historical documents and deter fans from getting involved in hooliganism?

If someone has a desire to crack skulls they’re likely to do so without requiring a prompt from shoddy and inaccurate films like Green Street. In the same way video games don’t really make kids go out and shoot each other.

History informs us that young men have always had a penchant for fighting, so I’m not sure films have much sway in that.

Who’s your best player and why?

England’s number one, Rob Green. The finest goalkeeper we’ve had at United since Phil Parkes in the early 1980s.

And which player would you gladly see the back of? And why?

No players as such, although poor old Nigel Quashie is unlikely to be missed by many.

However, we’ll be holding a party when CB Holding and Straumur-Burdaras Bank finally do the decent thing and sell the club to someone who gives a toss. They don’t want us, and we certainly don’t want them.

If you could sign one player from another team in the Premier League, who would it be and why?

Assuming it is an unlimited budget, and given our current lack of options in attack, probably Fernando Torres or our old boy Jermain [Defoe] who has been banging them in up the road at Spurs.

I’m sure many of our number would welcome the return of a certain Carlos Alberto Tevez, who, in case you weren’t aware kept us up single-handedly in 2006/07. Well, according to Lord Griffiths [lawyer and head of the independent inquiry into the Tevez transfer. He ordered West Ham to compensate Sheffield United with £20m over five seasons in the light of West Ham’s Premier League survival and Sheffield United’s relegation].

What’s West Ham’s best terrace chant?

Well Bubbles is obviously synonymous with the club, but the Sign On song which we have reserved for Liverpool since the days of Boys From The Black Stuff always raises a smile.

Sung to the tune of You’ll Never Walk Alone, it goes:

“Sign on, sign on, With a pen, in your hand, ‘Cos you’ll never get a job, You’ll never get a job.”

What half-time snacks do you recommend at Upton Park?

Anything you manage to smuggle in with you! The balti pies will leave you with third degree burns.

What are your best and worst memories of supporting West Ham?

Sitting on my father’s shoulders after we beat Fulham to win the Cup in 1975 is a special memory, but more recently the play-off win against Preston at Cardiff and the FA Cup Final where we were seconds away from lifting the Cup in 2006 [against Liverpool].

We’d probably be here all night talking about the worst, but being told that Tevez was solely responsible for Sheffield United not accruing enough points over the course of a 38-game season to avoid relegation in 2006/07 was pretty hard to take.

If you could change one thing at West Ham, what would it be?

The owners.

Where are West Ham going to be in five years’ time?

Again we come back to who’s in charge. With CB Holding we’re in trouble long-term, make no bones about it. They have to go, and soon. With a David Gold [chairman of Birmingham City chairman], David Sullivan [chairman of Birmingham City plc, the club’s parent company] or equivalent then perhaps we can return to being regular challengers for a European slot. [David Sullivan has recently ruled himself out of buying West Ham when he sells his Birmingham City shares to Carson Yeung next week, saying he needs a break].

Is Love Dead?

Originally published on Fingertips on 12/02/10

As Valentine’s Day hovers less than 48 hours away the recent spate of news about cheating celebrities might make England look like a nation where love no longer lives. Instead the red heart of romance has been asphyxiated by infidelity, text sex and models, both with and without their clothes on, all of whom are now dancing on its grave and planning an orgy in its bedroom.

Mr England plays away from home

John Terry’s antics have been well documented, and prove that £170,000 a week, being married to your childhood sweetheart and being England captain just aren’t enough to make you happy in 2010.

Happiness comes through getting your friend’s ex-girlfriend pregnant and then arranging for her to have an abortion.

The good news though is that Mr Terry is now in Dubai where, according to the Daily Mail, “he plans to treat his wife to a romantic Valentine’s Day meal on Sunday.”

I’m not sure what the Mail’s, or Terry’s, definition of a romantic meal is, but it’s probably not one where your wife is giving you evils across the table as you plan to fly home the same evening.

Water under the Stamford Bridge
It seems that there’s something in the water at Chelsea as team mate Ashley Cole might have upset his lady wife Cheryl again by either: a) being a very vain and stupid man; or b) being a very vain and stupid man and sending the evidence of this to a topless model.

Just two years after reportedly having a string of one night stands and receiving a six month sex ban from his wife, naked pictures of Ashley have found their way onto a topless model’s phone.

Ashley admits he took the naked pictures of himself – which is no folly, right? I mean this is something we all do from time to time, isn’t it? – but says that his friend sent the model the pictures after Ashley got a better phone and gave his crappy old one away .

Cole told The Sun: “I can’t believe that I gave a phone away that still had stuff on its memory. I thought I had deleted it.”

Whoops. Either way, the model reciprocated in kind and then engaged in text sex across 28 messages with whoever was in possession of the phone.

Plausible story maybe, but not if you’re Cheryl Cole, for whom this might prove to be more than just water under the bridge.

The Bolton Wanderer

Lanky Vernon Kay meanwhile has been taking some tips from his beloved Bolton Wanderers by writing down all his tactics but failing to actually score.

The hyperbolically accented Family Fortunes presenter – sorry, All Star Family Fortunes presenter – is said to have sent “steamy” texts and Twitter messages to what he called “only four or five friends and colleagues,” one of whom was a page three girl.

I know Kay isn’t renowned for his linguistic prowess – not that his four or five friends and colleagues would know, as he apparently never took any of them to bed – but someone should really tell him that we use the word “only” when we are talking about small amounts, or amounts that are less than we expected.

For example: “There is ONLY one thing to say to a celebrity who is daft enough to send raunchy text messages to a woman who is affiliated with a paper that loves exposing celebrities who cheat on their WAGs.”

On the other side of the fence

These are but three incidents that prove little but English tabloid readers’ prurient nature.
No one is reporting that last night Paul Scholes watched a romcom with his wife then went to bed with her at 10.30 and gave her a jolly good seeing to.

Or that Phil Neville called his wife on the way home from training to say that he just loves it when she tickles the backs of his knees.

It was reported however, by the BBC, that the divorce rate in England and Wales has fallen for five years in a row and is now at its lowest rate for 29 years, with only 11.5 divorcees for every 1000 married folk.

The Travel Trade Gazette also posted a report yesterday about long-lasting love within the travel business, which includes the somewhat baffling but charming tale of Polly Davies and Ian Robarts:

“The test before we committed to marriage was travelling together for four months.

“In Indonesia, Ian got dengue fever. We took a small propeller plane to reach a doctor but just after take-off it crashed, with petrol pouring everywhere.

“I ran from the plane with Ian, terrified it could explode. We got married when we got home.”

In amongst the text sex and the celebrity philandering true love lives. It just doesn’t sell newspapers.

Why Liverpool should stick with Rafa

Originally published on Fingertips on 18/11/09

As Liverpool slip further down the Premier League table and closer to a Champions League exit, rumours that Rafa Benitez will be sacked are inevitably becoming more widespread.

But Liverpool fans on the whole are still behind him – mainly because of his magnificent Champions League win in 2005, runners-up place in 2007 and thrilling FA Cup win in 2006. And even if they look beyond silverware, which they certainly should, Benitez is easily their best manager since Kenny Dalglish left in 1991.

Between Dalglish’s three league triumphs and two FA Cups were the relative ignominies of a League Cup under Roy Evans, an FA Cup under Graeme Souness and a Charity Shield, two League Cups, an FA Cup, European Super Cup and UEFA Cup under Gerard Houllier.

It shows how far Livepool have come under Benitez that the highpoint of Houllier’s reign, his UEFA Cup win, would now be considered scant consolation for Liverpool crashing out of the Champions League.

To use a cliche, Liverpool will be cutting off their nose to spite their face if they are stupid enough to sack Benitez.

Their stuttering start to the season is in no small part down to Xabi Alonso’s move to Real Madrid. Losing one of the best players in the world is going to affect any side. Just look at how Manchester United without Cristiano Ronaldo – yet no one sees Sir Alex Ferguson getting his P45 any time soon.

To compare Benitez to Sir Alex once again, it took Ferguson almost seven years to get his first league title, during which time United twice finished 11th. After a poor start to the 1989-90 season many called for Ferguson’s head, but he went on to win the FA Cup that season, and, to employ another cliche, the rest is history.

Even if Liverpool come fifth in the league and slip out of the Champions League, how many of their fans would be unhappy with a Europa League triumph and/or FA Cup medal come May?

Arsenal have stuck by Arsene Wenger throughout his barren spell and that may well pay dividends this season. Patience is a virtue (sorry, another cliche) and Liverpool need only look to Atletico Madrid, Real Madrid, or closer to home in Middlesbrough to prove that changing managers doesn’t always bring about a change of fortunes.

Who could replace Benitez and do anywhere near as good a job with a far from brilliant Liverpool squad?

Some names being mentioned are Steve McClaren, Luiz Felipe Scolari, Frank Rijkaard, Gareth Southgate and Jose Mourinho, all of whom have either done badly in the Premier League, have never worked in England or have no reason to want to move to Liverpool.

If Benitez goes Torres might follow, along with Reina and even Gerrard. Torres threatened to go if Benitez was fired in 2007, saying: “Benitez is not just another manager. He created a team and put his faith in players that owe him a lot.” There’s no reason to believe his opinion has changed, and if he, Reina or Gerrard were to leave then Liverpool really would be in trouble.